#700
Rimmi's pocket starts to buzz....
Date: 09/28/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
<Rimmi takes out her vibrating beeper and reads it: Call Hargrove. Rimmi takes out her cell phone and dials her super duper ultimate secret lair of evil.>
Rim: Yes, Mrs. Hargrove, was there something you wanted?
Mrs. H: I should say so! There's another Rimmer here.
Rim: A what?
Mrs. H: Remember all those replies back when Lita said another you, a misguided you, came out of an alternate dimension? She was made queen of some strange race of Hollywood cavepeople that existed the same time of the dinosaurs.
Rimmi: I vaguely remember that.
Mrs. H: Well you were so busy getting that sarcophagus that you hardly took notice of Lita telling you she'd sent that Rimmer here in a cab. Well she's here and I think you should know she's trying to get revenge on PM too.
Rim: Really? That's great! Send her on over. She can help us.
Mrs. H: Too late. She's already begun her diabolical revenge.
Rim: Already?
Mrs. H: Yes. She's much smarter than you are.
Rim: HEY!
Mrs. H: Well she's been through a lot and it's made her quicker and more cunning than you could ever hope to be. She's been working out, fighting with dinosaurs and running from sabertooth mice so she's really buff! Her ass is much finer that yours-
Rim: I'm going to ignore that and ask you what she's done.
Mrs. H: She's sending in Jessica and Aunt Flav-O-Five to do some dowsing around MSTBlanca. Jessica is going to try to find PM's body and kidnap it. Hopefully she'll make a tree fall on somebody too. If anyone tries to stop her Aunt Moldavia is going to distract them by reciting Shakespeare's "May-easure for May-easure" in a really piercing voice.
Rim: Damn! That is a good idea.
Mrs. H: I know. Better than any of yours.
Rim: You're on thin ice, Hargrove. Watch it. I'll talk to you later. <Rimmi hangs up and tells everyone at Lita's what is happening.>
<meanwhile, outside MSTBlanca.......>
Aunt Allegra: Jay-ssica, have you found any tray-easure yet?
Jessica: No. Just evil. Lots of evil.
Aunt Fromagia: Of course, dear, this place is filled with evil but we need to find the Phay-raoh's body.
Jessica: Wait... <her dowsing rod leads her to a tree with overgrown roots.> Here, his body is hidden here.
Aunt Loveslavia: Here? In a trade rat's nest?
Jessica: Beneath the trade rat's nest. Have you ever seen the movie The Princess Bride? If we find the right knot in this tree the ground will open up and we'll find a secret tunnel with PM's body in it.
Aunt Trachea: Way-ell, let's get moving. If we don't bring that body to Rimmer we don't get paid and that will fill me with deep display-easure.
#701
[Jesscia] I've found it!!!
Date: 09/28/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[Jessica presses a knot in the tree, and a door opens up, leading to a narrow stairwell. She and Aunt Flav-o-Rite descend. The general ambience is very dungeon-ey, with mildew and cobwebs covering the rough stone passage.]
[Jesscia] It sure is spooky down here. I keep expecting a bunch of evil bugs or mummified warriors or something to attack us!
[Aunt Fistula] You mean like in that movie with Brenden Fray-sure?
[Jesscia, to herself.] It's already pronounced that way, auntie. You don't have to exaggerate it.
[The two emerge into a round chamber with a chest roughly the size of a breadbox sitting in the middle.
[Aunt Formica] Is that it, Jay-ssica?
[Jessica holds out her dousing rod, which points right to the chest.]
[Jessica] It looks like it, auntie. But that doesn't make sense!
[Aunt O! Fortuna] It sure doesn't! This box is too small to hold a man's body! I don't even have to may-sure it to tell you that!
[Jessica cringes.] Maybe Miss Rimmer forgot to mention that this Pharaoh is really tiny?
[Aunt Lithuania] I'll bet it's full of tray-sure! Let's open it!
[Jessica] No, auntie! Whatever's in that box, it's evil! EEEEVIL, I tell ya!
[Aunt Transylvania] Oh, you say-id that about the sweater I gave you for your birthday pray-sent!
[Jessica] That's because it was prune-colored, auntie.
[Aunt Tarantula pretends not to hear that.] Oh, come on! Let's open it!
[After a moment's work with a crowbar which they conveniently found on the scene, they finally pry the chest open. Inside is, from all appearances, PM's head!!!]
[Jessica] Aaargh!!! An evil head!
[Aunt Drosophilia] No tray-sure? Rats!
[Jessica] It's going to control our minds and make us find its body!!!
[PM head] No, I'm not!
[Jessica and Aunt Encyclopedia] What?!?!?
[PM head] In fact, I'm not even PM's real head! I'm a cunning robot duplicate of his head!
[Jessica] But I used my water-witch abilities to track the Pharaoh's body! How did I find a robot head?
[PM head] Have you considered that dowsing isn't all it's cracked up to be?
[Aunt Necrophilia] Well, what happens now?
[PM head] I tell you a joke! What do you get when you feed Bozo beans?
[Jessica and Aunt Venezuela] What?
[PM head] CLOWN GAS!!!
[Purple and yellow smoke starts pouring out of the robot head's mouth, nose, and ears. The two ladies start coughing, and end up laughing uncontrollably.]
[Jessica] Cant... HAHAHAHAHAHA... stop.... HAHAHAHAHA *gasp* laughing!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!
[Aunt Model-trainia] HAHAHAHA... Your nose... HAHAHAHAHA! has gotten big and... HAHAHAHA... red, Jay-sica!!! BWAAAAHAHAHA!!!!
[After a few moments of hysterical laughter and hideous yet humorous physical transformations, the two have turned into crazy clowns!!! They've got cream pies and selzer bottles, and they're comin' to getcha!!!]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus
#702
<There is a knock at Lita's door.>
Date: 09/28/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<Lita opens it, and Alan Hale is standing there in a sheriff's uniform, his mouth hanging wide open.>
Alan Hale: There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!
Lita: You have?
Alan Hale: Yes! It's hard to find a person when all you have is a picture to go on. What's your name, young lady?
Lita: Carmelita 9000.
Alan Hale: Great! Miss. 9000, I need to ask you some questions.
Lita: <very nervous> You do? What about?
Alan Hale: There seems to have been a gorilla arson incident in... hey, where'd she go?
<Lita has no intention of being arrested, and she just knows that this is what this is all leading up to (It's just like that stinky PM to frame her), so she's decided to run… Run… Run like the Wind! In any case, she's sped out through the back door and is now running down the street. Before too long, she's a tiny speck on the horizon. Sheriff Hale watches, slack jawed.>
Alan Hale: Well, that's unfortunate. I'm too tired to chase her. She's not even a suspect.
Evil Mike: She's not?
Alan Hale: No. We were just wondering why her picture is taped to that rose. We have reason to believe that whoever did that is one sick puppy, who needs lots of psychological counseling, and probably was responsible for Betsy the Gorilla.
<Mickey hides under the table>
Rimmer: So you don't think Lita did it?
Alan Hale: I just said, no! That fire happened all the way in New Hampshire (apparently). This house is in a small town in Northern California! There's no possible way anybody could get from there to here so fast!
<Everybody looks at each other, not sure how to respond to that. Clearly, they've all gotten from there to here really fast lots of times. Things are getting icky. Sheriff Hale knows too much.>
Evil Mike: Hey, Sheriff. Lita has a really neat pet in the back yard. Wanna see it?
Alan Hale: Sure! I love animals!
Evil Mike: Do you like spiders?
Alan Hale: I hate spiders! Why do you ask?
Evil Mike: No reason. Just curious. Come with me. (ha ha ha Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!)
Alan Hale: Well, I don't know if I like the tone of that evil laugh, but you seem completely trustworthy.
<Evil Mike and Sheriff Hale head out to the back yard. Rimmer closes the door. Just as she does, though, there is another knock. She opens it up, and sees two really scary looking and heavily armed clowns.>
Rimmer: Hi.
Jessica: Hi. (honk honk!)
Aunt Scapula: Hay. (hay-nk hay-nk!)
Cow: Why aren't you cowering from them in terror?
Rimmer: I'm really good with clowns.
#703
<Lita runs and runs and runs and runs...
Date: 09/28/2001
From: Carmelita9000
until...>
Lita: Where the hell am I?
<Lita looks around. She doesn't recognize her surroundings>
Lita: Well, at least the police seem to have finally stopped chasing me.
<Lita sees some blonde shirtless guy with a big hat and a necklace made from crocodile teeth walk by.>
Lita: Hey, Mister! Do you know where I am?
Guy: Why, sure, Little Lady! You're in the Australian Outback!
Lita: What?! That doesn't make any sense! How did I run from my house in California all the way to Australia?
Guy: Don't yell at me! I'm not the one writing this incomprehensible rubbish. If you want somebody to blame, blame yourself! Cheers, Mate!
<The Australian Guy runs off after a passing kangaroo, leaving Lita all alone.>
Lita: Fine! I guess I'll just keep walking until I get somewhere interesting.
<Lita walks around aimlessly for a few hours, until she comes upon a group of ragged looking people around a campfire, all being filmed by a bunch of cameramen.>
Lita: Hi! Who are you?
Saundra: We're the cast of Survivor XXI: Revenge of the Outback! My name is Saundra, and I'm a bored housewife!
Leon: I'm Leon, and I'm a redneck from Kentucky. I've never met diversity before!
Stephanie: I'm Stephanie, and I'm super-duper friendly!
Fritz: I'm Fritz! And I'm the token gay!
Noreen: I'm Noreen, and I'm very angry for no reason! I hate everybody!
Hal: I'm Hal!
Lita: Nice to meet you all.
Fritz: Would you like to join our group? We have some lovely roasted wallaby here.
Lita: Oh, thanks. Hey, what do you mean this is Survivor XXI? They haven't even gotten to the third season yet!
Noreen: Stop judging us! You've been judging us ever since you got here! Don't you want to *understand*???
Lita: Yes, I do. That's why I'm asking.
Noreen: You should know that the Survivor want to get the jump on the competition by shooting and airing the next 30 seasons simultaneously! But they ran out of ideas for where to hold it, see? So they came back to Australia. We're on live right now, bitch.
Leon: Do you have a bikini? You can't be on the show unless you walk around in a bikini a lot.
Lita: No. I don't.
Hal: That's ok, I'm sure just your underwear will do.
Lita: I don't have any underwear.
<Nobody says anything.>
Lita: This one guy I know kind of... vandalized all my underwear.
Saundra: He what?
Lita: It's hard to explain. He just kind of… ruined all my underwear.
Stephanie: I don't understand. How can a man ruin all of your underwear? Unless.... Oh... I get it. He's one of *those*
Fritz: What exactly is that supposed to mean? We are perfectly normal. And many of us don't even wear women's clothing!
Lita: Hey! I didn't mean...
Stephanie: It's ok. We understand. Tell us all about him. Was he trying to keep it a secret from you?
Lita: But I was only saying that... <something dawns on Lita>… actually.... He's a big jerk. He couldn't cope with all his personal problems, so he projected them onto all of his best friends. I didn't know what happened!
Survivors: Awww....
Lita: One day we were getting along fine, the next day he was drinking heavily!
Stephanie: An alcoholic, eh?
Lita: Yes! And when he got drunk, he would accuse me of being fat, and call my friend a slut!
Survivors: How horrible!
Lita: And then he developed this weird interest in my underwear… And he dumped Roseanne sweat on me…
Survivors: Oh, yuck!
Lita: It was awful! I just feel sorry for his wife! She doesn't even know!
Fritz: The wife is always the last to know.
Lita: But I won't tell you his name. It wouldn't be right of me to betray Pharaoh Mobius like that. I mean, even though Pharaoh Mobius and I have had our differences, I still consider Pharaoh Mobius a friend, and I wouldn't want to hurt the great trust that has developed between Pharaoh Mobius and me.
Hal: You're such a good friend.
Lita: I know. Pharaoh Mobius is such a lucky guy!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
is talking trash about PM on national television!
#704
(Rimmer is watching Lita's copy of
Date: 09/28/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Angel and trying to explain it to the hopelessly lost Mickey)
Mickey: Now wait...who's that guy?
Rimmer: That would be Angel.
Nickey: Ohhhhh...the guy the show's named after, I get it now.
(the clowns are behind the couch doing clown things)
Rimmer: Will you two knock it off?
Jessica: It's kind of what we do.
Rimmer: Well do it somewhere else.
Mickey: NOW who's that guy?
Rimmer: That's Angel aga...nevermind. I hate it when people do that (stops tape). Hey, Lita's on tv!
Mickey: When'd she get her own show...Hey, she's getting naked again.
Evil Mike (comes in from backyard): Did someone say naked Lita?
Alan Hale (comes in from backyard): Spi...spi...spi...spi, (sees Mickey) Hey, where'd you come from?
Rimmer: Oh, he's the sicko that's been taping Lita's picture to the flowers.
Alan Hale: Well, that's it buddy. You're coming with me (arrests Mickey)
Mickey: What, wait. NO! Tork told me to do it, kind of, but but but the customer's always right, right?
Alan Hale: Sure, sure. That's what they all say. Where is this Tork person?
Mickey: I don't know. He just showed up and dissapeared.
Tork: (Outside of the story, watching the same Survivor episode) I hate those damn censorship bars.
Mickey: I just put saran wrap on the toilet seat. I don't know how a gorilla got there.
Rimmer: Oh, shutup. You basically admitted it when Lita was on the phone with the nurse.
Alan Hale: Well, we have to take a trip downtown, we'll fingerprint you, and than some nice men in really purty white coats will take it from there. (sees the clowns) You two might want to hop in my car too. This town has a "No Clown" law. (Alan Hale leads the group out the door)
Evil Mike: So, we're alone now?
Rimmer: Finally! It's been a long couple of days.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Insert funny comment here.
#705
<Three hours later...>
Date: 09/29/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<...at the Survivor Tribal Council>
Annoying Host Guy: Of course, now the question we all need to answer is, "Who are you going to vote out of the tribe?"
Survivors: Lita.
Lita: What? But I'm America's Sweetheart! I say we get rid of Noreen!
AHG: You're supposed to go cast ballots…
Noreen: We don't need to bother with that crap! We know who hasn't been pulling her own weight around here!
Lita: Are you calling me fat?
Leon: She ate all our food, and stole all the blankets.
Lita: I got cold...
Hal: She wouldn't let me borrow her sombrero so I could catch that rat for dinner.
Stephanie: Frankly, I think she has a bad attitude.
Lita: I do not, you pig!
Fritz: I wish she'd put some clothes on...
Lita: You people were the ones who told me to take them off!
Fritz: Well, I certainly didn't!
Lita: <a bit hurt> You guys can't do this! You can't throw me out! Because I'm leaving! I never wanted to join your stupid tribe anyway!
AHG: If you leave the tribe on your own, Survivor isn't responsible for giving you a ride back to the States. You'll have to pay your own way.
Lita: Oh. Never mind. Go ahead and throw me out.
AHG: The tribe has spoken.
<Lita grabs her shirt and pants, gets up and leaves the tribal council, then hops a plane back to her home town. Hopefully, Evil Mike and Rimmer will have their clothes back on before she gets there.>
Lita
does *not* have a bad attitude
#706
TDO: hey, watch this...
Date: 09/29/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
... its a little joke.
<TDO takes a shotgun and kicks open the door to Lita's house>
MTG & Rimmi: Whaa!?
TDO: Hi. We're the cast from Strawdogs!
<TDO runs off as he giggles manically>
TDO
likes honey nut chex
hates Matt Bruch
dropped out of Timechasers Community College
#707
(Mickey sits in a darkened room,
Date: 09/29/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
wearing a straight jacket and reading the newspaper and turning the pages with his toes. He's very talented. Suddenly, there is a crash, and there's now a hole in Mickey's wall. A figure stands in the shadows)
Mickey: HEY ALRIGHT!!! IT"S THE KOOL-AID GUY!!!
figure in shadows: NO! (steps into the light, and it's...)
Mickey: STEVE REEVES!!!
Steve Reeves: I've come to rescue you from this horrid place. And the names "Hercules".
Mickey: Yeah right, so Steve, what you been up to lately? Didn't I read that you died a couple of years ago?
SR: Well, don't blame me, it's your chapter of the sto....I mean, I have np knowledge of this mortal that you speak of, all I know was that I was hired by a nasty disfigured man with a hat, and duct tape on his stomach to rescue you.
Mickey: Well, tell Ortega he can forget it. I like it here.
SR: That is impossible.
Mickey: It's true. Here I don't have to worry about gorillas or revenge or Angel.
SR: Well, I am afraid you have no choice in the matter. (picks Mickey up) I've bnnen asked to do a job and Hercules always comes through, whether you like it or not.
(Steve and Mickey exit through the hole in the wall)
Meanwhile...
doctor: Hi, everybody, and welcome to our first group therapy session. Well, everybodys here, so, wait, where's Mickey. Poor dilluted fool, that's not even his real name.
(two men in white enter the room with a new patient)
Doctor: Oh, did you find Mickey?
Man in White #1: No, it's a newcomer
(the men in white step out of the shadows to reveal there new catch...it's TDO!!!)
Man in White #2: That Rimmer girl, same one who signed the papers on Mickey, had this one admitted to. Seems he burst in on her and her special friend, and he thought he saw Mickey. Very strange, if you ask me.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Still wants some Kool-Aid. It's been years.
#708
<Lita covers her eyes...
Date: 09/29/2001
From: Carmelita9000
...and enters her house.>
Lita: Hello! Everybody wearing clothes?
Evil Mike: Yes... but don't open your eyes yet... were... uh... cleaning. Just a second.... We want you to be really surprised.
Rimmer: Ok... You can open them now.
Lita: <uncovers her eyes.> Oh, Good Lord! This room is way messier than when I left! What have you people been doing in here?
Rimmer & Evil Mike: Nothing!!
grandmapa: I just wish they hadn't done it in front of me. It was like they forgot I was here or something. Excuse me, I need to go remove each of my eyeballs, and wash them individually.
Lita: There's no time for that. Some people contacted me on my way home, and they want us to do the talk-show circuit and tell our heartrending story of pain and torment at the hands of the Pharaoh Mobius.
cow: These aren't the kind of talk-shows where people just curse and throw chairs at each other and things like that, are they?
Lita: I don't know. Probably.
Evil Mike: All right! I'm in!
Lita: Good to hear that! I trust everybody else is in agreement? <doesn't wait for an answer> Soon, Pharaoh Mobius won't be able to walk down the street without people yelling at him and giving him dirty looks, and hitting him with blunt objects! HA HA HA!
<The assembled group all share a hearty evil laugh, especially the clowns, since that's what they specialize in.>
Evil Mike: By the way Lita, way to get naked on TV.
Lita: Let us never speak of it again.
Evil Mike: Oh, I plan to bring it up every chance I get. OUCH!!! Don't hit!
#709
Steve Reeves runs and runs...
Date: 09/29/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
until he and Mickey are in front of the MST Gardens. Ortega is waiting for them.
Mickey: You know, Steve, you didn't have to carry me the entire way.
Steve Reeves: It's what I do.
Ortega: So, how was the booby hatch, Mickey?
Mickey: (whispers to Ortega) This is the guy who needs to go there, Teggy. He thinks he's Hercules.
Ortega: (whispers to Mickey) He isn't?
Steve Reeves: I can hear you, you know.
Mickey: You can. Oh well, no big loss.
Steve Reeves: You hurt my feelings. I'm gonna go cry. (sees the MST Blanca) Hey, a bar. That's just what Hercules needs (leaves)
Ortega: Oh great. Just what we need. Another PM ally. And Hercules, no less.
Mickey: You know, I don't really care right now. (sees the MST Gardens and it's as beautiful as before the fire) What'd you do the place.
Ortega: I snuck into MSTBlanca last night and stole some of that Gumby clay.
Mickey: Hey, is it diamond strentgh? (touches a nearby tree, and it falls down)
Ortega: Guess not. We better be careful. Oh, crap.
Mickey: What is it?
Ortega: The Lita pictures won't stick to the flowers anymore.
Mickey: Don't worry, Ortega. You don't have to do that anymore.
Ortega: Are you sure?
Mickey: I insist.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
1st contestant voted out of Survivor: Loony Bin
#710
<runs into MSTblanca...
Date: 09/29/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
...with a shotgun>
TDO: IM ED BRADLEY! IM CONNIE CHUNG! IM LESLIE SHAW! TONIGHT, WE INTERVIEW MICHEAL JACKSON AND MACOULGHY CULKIN ON SIXTY MINUTES!<runs out giggling insanly>
MTG: could've sworn i know that guy.
#711
<_runs into MSTblanca...
Date: 09/29/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
...with a shotgun>
TDO: IM ED BRADLEY! IM CONNIE CHUNG! IM LESLIE SHAW! TONIGHT, WE INTERVIEW MICHEAL JACKSON AND MACOULGHY CULKIN ON SIXTY MINUTES!<runs out giggling insanly>
MTG: could've sworn i know that guy.
#712
Will our mystery guess sign in?
Date: 09/29/2001
From: Tork_110
< at Mickey's place >
Ortega: You'll never guess who helped me.
Mickey: Helped you? You never said anybody helped you.
Ortega: Sure I did! He's right over there.
< A man with a mask enters. >
Mickey: Tork!?
Ortega: No, it's Dumbschmoe. Show him 'Schmoe.
Dumbschmoe?: <clears throat> "No socks". Ummm, "Fs!!!".
Ortega: See?!
Mickey: First, it's "Fw!!!" Second, THAT'S JUST TORK IN A MAS...
< Dumbschmoe? starts to choke Mickey >
Dumbschmoe?: Why are the police looking for me, you $#%#@$!
Ortega: Hey, you're not Dumbschmoe!
< Dumbschmoe? tosses Mickey to the side. He punches Ortega. >
Dumbschmoe?: Do you know how nasty Sprite is after it goes flat!!
Ortega: Huh?
< takes off mask >
Ortega: It IS Tork.
Mickey: Oh, shut up.
< phone rings >
Mickey: I'll get it. Ortega, you handle it.
< Tork and Ortega continue to fight. >
Mickey: ( on phone ) Uh huh, uh huh, sure.
< Tork can be heard in the background. >
Tork: Today I bring a bruised-up Ortega to show and tell.
Mickey: Okay, I'll tell him. Bye.
< Ortega and Tork are still fighting. >
Mickey: Ortega! Lita said that we were going to be on a talk show where we could bad mouth PM.
Tork: Lita! Can I go with you?
Mickey and Ortega: NOOOOO!
Tork: I was just kidding. See.
< Tork picks up a drink. >
Mickey: Tork! Don't! That's...
< too late. Tork splashes it on his face. >
Tork: OWW! Crystal Pepsi*!
* Viewers are invited to substitute another drink that they don't like.
#713
Alright, TDO.
Date: 09/29/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Now you're just being difficult. Have you met my new friend Steve Reeves?
Steve Reeves: That's Hercules.
Mickey: Sure, whatever.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Gets to be on tv, and TDO doesn't. Haw, haw.
#714
DARN!!!
Date: 09/29/2001
From: Tork_110
I proofreaded the reply several times but I missed the title! D'oh!
Also, I had a much better reply prepared earlier today but I forgot to include my password and lost the entire post.
I was originally at a police station complaining about what happened to me at MSTGardens but the police officer from Track of the Moon Beast ignored. Then Mickey and Alan Hale show up. Everybody is oblivious due to Survivor except Mickey. Ortega is know where to be seen. The whole Dumbschmoe part and the Crystal Pepsi is taken from that lost reply.
I actually liked Crystal Pepsi when it came out, but I needed an unpopular drink and I had Beginning of the End or Wild World of Batwoman or some Mike episode in the back of my head.
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